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How To Write Better Thank You Notes in Less Time (Using Sketching & a Script)

What is sketching? I’ll explain how to do it in a sec, but sketching is a tool I use to streamline all sorts of written and verbal communications (and other stuff, too). Today I’m going to show you how to use it to make quick work of Thank You notes.

If you’re like me, you might write more thank you notes if it didn’t seem so overwhelming. I have no idea why writing a simple note can feel like pulling weeds on the hottest day of summer. But sometimes it does. So rather than spend unnecessary time analyzing this, I’m working on just getting past it.

Sketching helps. A lot.

How To Sketch

Once you’ve done it a few times, sketching your thank you note should take you about a minute. But sketching before you begin will ensure that [Read more…]

How To Make an Introduction

As with most things in Year of the Grown-Up, I discovered my ignorance about introductions one day when I was giving one and realized I wasn’t quite sure I was doing it properly.

These days In the U.S., nearly anything goes with introductions in a casual environment. As long as you actually introduce people who you aren’t sure know each other, and say at least one of their names (two is ideal, but if you remember one, hey – fohgettaboutit – they will usually introduce themselves to the other), you have been polite in the general sense.

But if you are in a more formal environment, say, with current or prospective colleagues or at a function with many in-the-know people, being able to provide a more formal introduction with comfort and ease will let you feel more confident and not draw unwanted attention (for being ignorant of the “appropriate” practice).

A Quick Disclaimer…

About a month ago I began consulting etiquette gurus (Emily Post, Leticia Baldridge) on the art of proper introductions. I can’t say that I find the specifics intuitive based on today’s norms, and some of the finer details are downright dizzying. But I think we can use the 80/20 rule here. With 20% of the effort, you can master 80% of the craft. So that’s what we’re going for today. The 20% that, when done correctly, will make it seem you are in-the-know introductions-wise. (If you’d like a more extensive treatment, and a funnier one, puh-lease read this one from Karen at art of doing stuff. I’ve read it four times and it still makes me laugh.)

Onward!

How To Properly Introduce People

I’m trying to make this as simple and straight-forward as possible. So I’ve boiled it down to this (again, there is so much more to say, but 80/20 people. Eighty. Twenty.)

What to know:

There is a hierarchy of honor when introducing people.

What to do:

Address the person of higher honor by name, and “present” the other person to them.

The Hierarchy

There are two hierarchies in play, one for business situations and one for social situations. In the old days there was only one, but I guess changes in women’s roles and career norms in general necessitated the adjustment. So these days we have two.

If you can only be troubled to remember one of the two, I’d go with the business one. Most people won’t fault you for using it, and formal business situations are more common than formal social situations for most of us (seems like many of our formal social situations are often related to employment anyway). But really, once you learn the business one, the social one is a snap. The only thing you actually have to remember is to use it.

The Business Hierarchy:

  1. Job title (the boss is boss)
  2. Gender (ladies first)
  3. Age (respect your elders)

The Social Hierarchy:

  1. Gender
  2. Age

Did you catch that? The social hierarchy is exactly the same as the business hierarchy, you just ignore the part that pertains to business. 

The Presenting

First, assess who takes the place of honor.

For a  business situation, whoever is highest up the corporate ladder takes the place of honor. If the parties are of the same position, the female takes the place of honor. If they are of same rank and both female, the elder takes the place of honor.

For Social Situations do the same thing, just ignore their career bits. If both parties are of the same gender and same age, just go with it. You can give your family member or close friend the place of honor if you want, but whatever is fine.

A Very Important Note:

In social introductions, the traditional hierarchy is based on gender and age. Exceptions are reserved for Presidents, Kings, and other supreme ruler sorts. So if you meet the President, the Queen, the Prime Minister, the Sheikh, etc., all bets are off. They take the place of honor. Every. Time. (If this was pertinent information for you, brah. vo.)

Then, make the introduction.

1) Say the name of the person of honor (and look at them)

2) Say one of the following as you turn to your presentee (pick one that feels like you and is situation appropriate):

  • “This is…” (easiest and nearly always acceptable)
  • “I’d like you to meet…” (a little dressed up but still very easy)
  • “Have you met…” (nice if you think they may already know each other)
  • “I’d like to present…” (very formal)

Tip: Stay away from using the word “introduce”. There are some very subtle technicalities to it (again, check out Karen’s article), and by using it you risk botching the introduction. If the situation is formal enough to require “introduce”, use “present” instead and you’re guaranteed to get it right.

If you’ve seen the movie Hugo, there’s a scene you can use to help you remember. Isabelle introduces Hugo to the Monsieur Labisse (the Book Shop owner) and she does it exactly right:

Good morning, Monsieur Labisse… May I present to you, Monsieur Hugo Cabret.

Using that, we can remember to address the honored person first (by name), and follow it up with our choice of wording. In this case, “may I present to you…”

Advanced Moves

  • Use first and last names as often as possible (again, Isabelle gets it right).
  • In conversational atmospheres, mention something about each party that you think the other will find interesting. Do this after you have completed the introduction, starting again with the person of honor. For instance, “Mom, this is my friend Kate. (Elders first.) Kate, my mom loves to cruise and recently took her first Transatlantic voyage. (Told something about mom first.) Mom, Kate cruised the Mediterranean last year and posted all about it on her blog. Now they have something to talk about. Especially great if you don’t want to carry the conversation yourself.

Recap and Take-aways (the 20%)

  • Give an everyday introduction however you want, but learn the proper protocol for formal situations.
  • Look at and say the name of the person in the place of honor first, then present the other party to them using “this is…”, “I’d like you to meet…”, “have you met…”, etc. (Avoid using the word “introduce”)
  • Use full names as often as possible and offer interesting information about the parties you’re introducing.

And that’s it. Let me know how it goes!

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Toasts, Eulogies, and Other Honoring Speeches: An Easy Two-Step How To

Cheers! (from www.bradyblack.net)Have you ever been traumatized by the thought of giving a toast or having to stand up and say something about a friend at a party? If so, I’ve got just the thing for you. A quick, easy, two-step, way to put together an honoring speech, even at a moment’s notice.

Recently my mother-in-law was preparing to give a eulogy at her mother’s memorial service; she had gathered memories and favorite stories from the kids and had come to that difficult moment of trying to put it all together. And something occurred to me that I wish would have popped into my brain a dozen years ago. An easy way to prepare a toast, eulogy, or other honoring “speech” that will get you through the crisis phase in no time at all.

Now, this is the very basic of templates. A map that will take you from 0% to 85% of  a solid honoring speech. For the finer points, keep looking. For toasts, I highly recommend the Art of Manliness article about giving a great toast as a best man. It covers the finer points of this art and gives great guidelines and reminders for all sorts of toasts.

As you prepare, I suggest capturing thoughts and notes on paper. It will keep you from trying to keep it all straight in your head, and a second draft can serve as a cheat sheet. Shall we begin?

How to do it

1) Make a list of favorable characteristics of the person you’re speaking about.

Be sure to include something that speaks to the “heart” of the individual. As the wife of a dude who is regularly remembered for being quite funny and a great storyteller, I know that when this is the only thing people compliment him on, he wonders if he actually contributes anything else to the world. Everyone likes to know they’re enjoyed. Definitely talk about that. But also mention how generous the person is, or how they are always the first to serve, or that they are tender-hearted, or whatever.

2) Pick two or three things from your list (depending on how much time you’re given for your speech and your propensity for being long-winded) and think of anecdotes or examples of that characteristic.

If you’re talking about the person’s generosity, tell about the time they had pizza delivered to your house during a particularly trying time. If you’re taking about what a prankster they were, tell about how they put your office phone in a full mold of jello. But not in front of the boss.

Which leads me to this reminder: always consider your audience and whether your statements might offend someone, get the honored person into any trouble, or cast them in a negative light.

If in doubt, ask the person (or for a memorial service, ask the person’s immediate family) if they mind. “Hey, I was thinking about what I might say tomorrow night and wanted to run something by you. Do you mind if I share the story about sneaking out to go get frosties at the 24-hour Wendy’s the night before graduation? Your mom already knows about that, right?” Something like that will do just fine.

That’s It!

That’s it. Two easy steps. And you can reverse them, too. If you have a favorite story you want to tell, start with that and figure out what it is about your friend that made those times so great. Was it their spontaneity? Their availability? Their kindness? Now you have your characteristic and your anecdote.

Sandwich your positive characteristics and anecdotes between an intro and a closing (definitely see that art of manliness article for tips on transitioning to a toast), and include thanks to those in attendance and/or for the opportunity to share about the honored person. Voila!

Oh! And know how you’re going to land the plane

One final tip. Before you get up to speak, have in mind how you’re going to finish your speech. It’s easy to rattle on for several minutes after you’re done simply because you haven’t found a stopping point. So practice ahead of time a closing statement and use it. You will feel less awkward and everyone will appreciate your succinct closure.

What do you think?

Would this one-two method work for you? Do you have any additional tips? Please share!

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Manners vs. Etiquette

image by William Arthur Fine Stationery

Etiquette was at the top of the list of things I wanted to learn during year of the grown-up. It’s not that I see myself as garishly impolite (though I may be and not know it), but that I want to know an acceptable thing to do in various circumstances that tend to leave me a bit bewildered.

I often find myself in situations where I feel like there is a “standard” way to do something – a way that those “in the know” do it – but I don’t know what it is. So last year I started trying to learn what options are acceptable in various circumstances so that I can worry less about myself and pay more attention to the people and ideas present.

As I began to read about etiquette, I found that there is a distinct difference between etiquette and manners. Etiquette refers to the “rules” that are applied in a given context, while manners refers to the spirit of valuing others above oneself. For example, In the U.S. it is considered good etiquette to not chew with one’s mouth open, which is a natural way to foster a pleasurable dining experience for everyone sharing the table.

Letitia Baldridge explains it well in the “Introduction” of her book Letitia Baldridge’s New Manners for New Times:

Etiquette is protocol, a set of behavior rules you can memorize like a map, which will guide you safely through life. Manners are much more, since they are an expression from the heart on how to treat others whether you care about them or not.

Manners teach you how to value another’s self-esteem and to protect that person’s feelings. Etiquette consists of firm rules made by others who have come before, telling you to do this and do that on specific occasions.

Etiquette means acting with grace and efficiency, very laudable in itself, but your manners are yours, yours to use in making order out of chaos, making people feel comfortable, and giving pleasure to others.

She goes on to explain that helping a bewildered guest discover appropriate etiquette in a specific situation (assuming this is done in generosity and not condescension) is good manners. Which conversely (and ironically) means that those who chastise people for their “bad manners” are displaying bad manners. I find that both comforting and hilarious. But I’m trying not to be smug about it, because that’s rude.

I still have much, much to learn when it comes to etiquette. But I love the idea that I can grow in good manners with no roadmap whatsoever just by making an concerted effort to honor others above myself. As a person who tracks with the teachings of Jesus, that idea isn’t new to me. But in day-to-day life it seems more of a platitude than a practice. When someone breaks something of mine or their kid colors on my favorite lamp, I’m not looking to make sure they continue to enjoy themselves at my home. I’m generally pissed and hoping they feel like crap.

Yeah, my manners could use a little improvement.

Am I the only one who didn’t already have this difference straight in my head? What aspects of etiquette do you wish you knew more about? Which do you wish others knew more about?

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How To Pick a Movie the Whole Group Will Enjoy

I live in the Middle East. The theater in our neighborhood (now that we live in a city with a theater) has two screens. It shows mainly bollywood and horror flicks. If you don’t want to go to a movie you can go out to a restaurant, have a picnic on the beach or in the desert or….

Nope. That’s about it.

So it’s pretty often that we find ourselves with a group of friends trying to select a movie to watch. But there are always issues in selecting movies with a group.

First, it takes forever to decide. Usually the group will just vote, but vote on what? All the DVDs in your collection? All the new releases on iTunes? Deciding which movies to include in the vote is its own round of decisions.

Then you vote and, while the winning majority are totally stoked, a few of the minority might be really bummed. And bummed leads to iphone browsing, chit-chat and other things that make the majority either frustrated that you’re distracting them or feeling bad because they know you didn’t want to watch that movie in the first place.

Am I the only one who has suffered choruses of “Are you sure? Are you sure you’re sure? We can watch something else…”?

But there’s an easy solution. We’ve been using this around our house for a while now and it has yielded good results every time. I even used it on a set of siblings recently and it worked like a charm.

Here’s the format:

First, let each member of the group select a few movies for the “pot”. These are the movies you’ll eventually be selecting from. We usually have people select between four and six, depending on how large the group is.

Next, go around the group and let each person “veto” a movie. Keep going around until there is one film left and, voila!, there’s your pick.

That’s it!

Of course, be flexible with it. Make it work for your own family and friends. We change it up a bit to suit different scenarios. In the case with the kids, we had one sibling choose three movies and let the other sibling choose between the three. Change it up to suit your needs. And let me know how it goes!

How do you pick movies in a group? Are you always the victor? The disappointed? Do you think you’ll try out a version of the “veto” method?